This gem showed up on Global-Flat last night, written by "thestraw" who I will keep anonymous for the few who don't know his identity. This is by far the best thing I've read on the Global-Flat forum...ever. Thank you "thestraw":
"In a Pitchfork-esque review of flatland TJ Perry, flatland prophet, self-help guru and critic has given flatland a 4.8 out of 10, while also giving judging a rare 0.0 on the same scale. "Flatland's manipulation's of human form and essence, beginning with the early promise of basic trackstands and stationary tricks in the mid '70's to the abstract manifestations of today's top flatland dubstep scientist's hints that this trend's time may not only have arrived but is already on the wane," Perry writes. "If flatland has any chance of keeping our interest, it's going to have to move beyond the same palatable but predictable wheelies, turbines, shuvits, barflips, body varials, jumps, and positions."
Perry's unfavorable review comes after years of typing well thought and unargumentative posts on various flatland related forums. Perry's argument begins in earnest after a 9 year preamble comprising of topics as varied as diet and nutrition to critiques of modern flatland form and dynamism. Peppered with obscure literary and personal references, Perry ultimately summarizes flatland as "a solid but uninspired effort."
"Coming in at an exhausting 35 years long, flatland is weighed down by too many x-arm steams, most notably multiple turbine steams to turbine wheelchairs then stepped back to the steam, often without any sense of irony," Perry writes. "In the end, though flatland can be brilliant at times, it comes off as derivative as unicycles."
While Perry concedes that flatland is still "trying to find its aesthetic," he also proffers that the artform has yet to live up to the lavish media praise that riders like Terry Adams and Matt Wilhelm have brought to the sport lately.
"While Matt Wilhelm has become such a flatland god that he became a see through motherf*cker, I hardly believe this is enough to raise flatland from the muddy Louisiana bog Terry has put it in. I mean, I can see his goddam internal organs and sh*t, that's totally f*cked, yet these high acts of flatland bravado also help flatland to dig its on grave while licking the shovel clean," is how Perry ultimately judges the state of affairs in flatland.
Not stopping there, Perry also published a separate and far more damning review of judging, giving it a 0.0 review, much as Pitchfork media gave Dismemberment Plan lead singer Travis Morrison's debut album "Travistan."
"Modern flatland has not only lost its vision of progress and innovation, it has truly lost what is its true heart and soul, the judging system," Perry tell us. "But following the advice of Shaun Lapsley, I got laid and found Christ Jebus, all at the same motherf*ckin time." TJ now contends that after years of divinely inspired flatland opinions he has truly found the clearing light of Christ, who has personally told him his judging system is "badass."
"Having spent 2000 years away from those I died to save, I knew that this crisis in flatland could only be solved through divine intervention," Jesus told us through his agent. "Now that TJ and I have teamed up to save the AMFlat circuit, I'm pretty sure Bo Wade can sleep well tonight knowing that his turbine megaspins to perverts can be fairly and correctly judged against the tornado like brutatility of Tyler Gilliard." Jesus also quipped "Hey Tyler, slow down a little buddy!", showing that the King of All Men has a common touch.
The flatland community is still reeling from a recent contest controversy at the AMFlat finals in Buffalo, NewYork. The flatland world has spent many of its years controversy free until a shocking incident at last year's JoMoPro contest, when TJ decided that he and only he could save flatland.
"I am the living embodiment of Flatland incarnate", TJ writes in his review of judging. "It's like I'm a system of techniques without even being a person anymore; armed with this divine knowledge, how can I not use it to save this art I've put so much into, and from which I've taken so little."
On Twitter, hipster flatland DJ duo Pralex chimed in, "We just finished a tour of the flatland fashion capitals of Prague, Milan, Paris and Buffalo, New York and everyone's talkin TJ #AMFLAT4EVAEVA"
Despite flatland's defenders, the TJ review has made a deep impression on the thousands of fans who slavishly follow his advice when it comes to enjoi'ing such things.
"Flatland used to be great, but let's be honest, it's a 4.8 at best" said Ohio resident joe Cicman, who admitted that he just looked at the ratings rather that read the whole review. "I seriously might never ride flat again."
Still most analysts agree that the impact of TJ's scathing review will be dampened by the positive reviews of Flatmatter's blogger Effraim Catlow. "Flatland is always about constant progression. There will be more flatland progressions to come, and maybe with a little work and a lot of progression videos flatland will get a Best New Flatland review in the near future." Catlow termed Perry's assessment of flatland "overwrought, masturbatory posturing intended to make insecure flatland hipsters feel as though they're part of some imagined elite beau monde."